Who Did I Marry?
Who Did I Marry?
by Paul Zohav
As a marriage and communication coach, I routinely work with couples married for twenty, thirty, forty years, or even more.
I asked couples that came to me, “How well do you know your spouse?” They regularly respond, “Yes. Of course, we know one another. After all, we’ve made it through so many years together.”
So, I gave them a copy of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and asked them to read the first nine chapters aloud and take the quiz. Routinely, they were surprised to learn how differently they experience love, unaware of missed opportunities to show and be loved for decades.
Looking back over twenty-five years of marriage, I understand my spouse primarily expresses and receives love through Acts of Service followed by Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Unsurprisingly, she serves as a teacher, instructor, tutor, former principal, and member of our congregational executive committee. At home, as my spouse, she looks for ways to show her love and care for me and perform Acts of Service on our behalf. Reciprocally, I acknowledge her, which speaks to her secondary love language, Words of Affirmation.
My primary love languages are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation, followed by Acts of Service. I feel loved and connected when we have opportunities to spend Quality time together. I appreciate her when she intentionally chooses to spend time with me. She loves clean, freshly washed sheets and prefers to change them every week (admittedly far more often than I might choose.)
When I hear her say, “Let’s change the sheets,” I respond, “Yes, I’ll be right there.” This provides a double benefit. First, she feels loved when I come over to support her, and second, I enjoy expressing my love to her. This is a genuine win-win-loving experience for both of us. When I perform Acts of Service, she knows how much I love and care for her.
In years past, as a hospital and hospice chaplain, I once found deep fulfillment as I accompanied those who sought solace and support during difficult times in their life.
There is a double benefit. While I might prefer to change our sheets less often, by choosing to change our sheets with her, not only do I get to show my love, but she also experiences feeling loved and cared for.
Another example: I met with a couple who had been married for many decades. Listening to their relationship history, I learned that one had not cooked during all that time. This was due to an incident in their marriage’s early years.
This is what happened: One day, he prepared an especially delicious meal for them to enjoy. She did not notice nor acknowledge this attempt to express his love. On his part, he had not said anything; he had just stopped cooking. His spouse adapted to this circumstance and faithfully produced meals over the next forty-plus years.
How can we understand this?
The answer becomes clear once we distinguish their five love languages. She did not recognize his effort and intent to express his love.
Their disconnect lay in his primary love languages: Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Completely unaware of this, she had not appreciated his intent to express his love for her through an Act of Service. She was unaware that Words of Affirmation were vital to him.
Frustrated, feeling unappreciated, and discouraged, he just stopped cooking.
Once they became aware of this divide, in a new beginning, he started aiding her as she prepared their meals. She expressed gratitude for the meals he prepared, and he felt appreciated. Together, they experienced love in a way never felt before. Today, forty years after they became married, he cooks.
Could he have said something? Yes, but we can recall that men commonly kept their emotions to themselves in earlier years continuing even to this day. She just became adjusted to doing their cooking.
The bottom line is that as mutual awareness of our love languages expands, love continues to grow. When she invited me to change the sheets on our bed, I said yes. When I drive with greater attention, she feels safer. When we choose the restaurant I prefer, I feel cared for.
To all couples, from seventeen to eighty-seven, I encourage you to obtain a copy of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. Begin by reading the first nine chapters aloud together and taking turns. You will find one chapter devoted to each of the five love languages along with an excellent exploration of the meaning of mature love.
Next, go to thefivelovelanguages.com website to take the quiz there. With the results, write down your love languages, side by side. Compare your results; discuss what you have learned about one another.
Begin to speak one another’s love languages. Enjoy your new mutual awareness and embark on a journey towards a deeper, vital, and more loving relationship.
You are welcome to read the book on your own. However, your access to new ways of being will be limited.
Once you have read the entire book you can listen to the audiobook the next time you are on a road trip.
The process is the product.
It’s not about getting it right or wrong. In this process, you will continue to WE-educate yourselves, deepening your us.
PS: The Five Love Languages makes for a great wedding gift.
The next time I or anyone asks you “How well do you know your spouse?” you will be able to assert “Yes. Of course, we know one another. We’ve learned to speak each other’s love languages. We speak each other’s love languages. We’re excited to enjoy our next twenty or more years together.”
Blessings on all our journeys.